Socially inept

I live in my cocoon where it's safe and warm and venture not into the world where I loom massively amongst normality. I create fantasies and stories and people thus sustaining my own social phobias. Most terrifying is I find myself emulating the person I fear most in the world. I am not him. I will never be him. And to make sure of that, I will change, as terrifying as that is.

I fantasize about living in a world where people actually like me and want to know me. In that world, I'm funny and smart and sexy and live up to my potential and actually utilize my gifts to make a great living, but it's not the real world and I am none of these things, in reality. I am just as mediochre as everyone else. But I don't want to be anymore. This can't be all there is. I have to make a life for myself and stop being scared of other people. I am intimidated by everyone. Everyone.

I went for a walk today and was stared at. I got 20 minutes of diet advice today from a skinny person. I called about attending a meeting and was treated rudely. I'm not interested in anybody understanding my motives, my "situation" or their advice or rudeness. I do not want to discuss it. I have no reservations about telling anybody to bugger off about it. I do not want praise or criticism: either signifies I am anything but normal. I will do this my way.

I will no longer apologize for any part of who I am.